Monday, April 30, 2007

Pulling out baby pictures

I may be the only mom in the world who does not offer to show baby pictures at the drop of a hat. Reason, those people irritate me. Because of that, I don't. I also make a very solid effort only tell baby stories when asked. I realized recently that I was being so good about it when someone came into my office and asked whose baby was in the picture on my desk. I laughed and said, Mine! They were shocked to learn I had a baby. Aside from some pictures on my desk, I never carry pictures with me, just a few on my phone to share if asked. Most people think it is funny that the only images I have of my child are digital. I guess that means I am a dork...

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Finally hitting my stride

Although this may come off as wildly arrogant, I am generally good at things I try. I think it means I only try things that I know I will be good at, but nonetheless, I have generally achieve what I st out to do, except, my foray into motherhood. I am near the top of my profession, I have run a number of marathons, I am a great wife, or at least, I think so. But, ah, motherhood has been a real pill. Until now. Over the past three weeks, I stopped taking the depression medication and am LOVING this mom thing.

I never, ever thought I would get as much out of it as I am getting now. This little bugger KILLS me. He is hilarious. He is making me a better person. It is just nuts. Today, we took boy to his first baseball game. He babbled and charmed most of the people around us. He never cried, whimpered, nothing, just smiled and babbled. We were sitting behind some solid hipsters, you know the type, well, I do, because I used to be one. And you could see they were tense that they were sitting in front of a little baby, but boy was no trouble to them. The reason I say he makes me a better person is because I woke up hung over today - I know, nice goin mom! - but because of him, I didn't care, I was just so excited to take him to a baseball game.

I am not naive enough to think my challenges are past me with motherhood, I am just thinking that these initial challenges may be behind me, what a relief that will be, either way, my stride is back!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Baby urges

I cannot believe it, but I want another baby. Not my own, mind you. Boy is a great genetic outcome and I am cnvinced I would never hit the lottery twice. However, I keep seeing these orphans in horrifying circumstances and I want nothing more than to give them a home, a chance and a whole lot of love. It is shocking to me that I want more children. But, I do. It is amazing the capacity to love and give grows each day. More could be better, but I just don't know. I think for now, I will stick with giving money until I know for sure that Boy wants a brother or sister and then we can go get one. Maybe that's the best plan!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Off the meds

I have stopped taking my Zoloft and I feel so much more focused and happy. I get upset about things which is so normal for me, but, I am so enjoy having what feel like real feelings emotions and highs and lows. It's great. The meds got me through a very difficult time, but I am hoping it is all behind our family.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Work babies

This is simply a rant that cannot be contained. I work very hard at my job and I take pride in the fact that over the years, I have developed a better filter between my mouth and my brain. I learned that honey is a better attractor than vinegar and I have become really skilled at getting the best from people. However, I have reached a breaking point over here and would like to rant about a work thing:

Please, for the love of GOD, take responsibility of your job, tasks and projects. I cannot cover for mistakes much longer. I cannot stand that people work so hard to say they want to be accountable only to point the finger of blame when things don't go great. I know where the bucks stops and generally, it stops with me, but COME ON! Help me out, recognize how hard it is to be accountable for everyone when no one will stand up and take responsibility when the crap hits the fan.

I guess what I am saying is TRY FOR ONCE to think what it might feel like to be me or my team when you spend your energy covering your ass and your mistakes.

At least this is preparing me for the day my son breaks a lamp and blames it on the dog. However, I am pretty sure he will do a better job of not completely pissing me off.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

A cure for the slumping shoulders

Warning: this post is a little racy!

Last night, the weight of the world was on my shoulders. My job is in crisis mode right now as we are understaffed and I have to take on more work. I have a few unhappy client right now which is like rubbing salt in a wound. And then, my son is obviously working on a milestone because he is a real pill to try to put to sleep. I get him to sleep and take a work call at 8 p.m. and it is a former employee who blames me for her departure. Then, I had to clean up from dinner and lo and behold the boy wakes up and I need to get him back to sleep. ARGH! So, I had the weigh of the world on my shoulders. I was slumping. I talked to my husband. He is such a good listener. He listened and validated my feelings, asked what he can take off my plate and it was great. Not only did he listen and help, he then initiated great sex! After than, I was cured! No more slumping shoulders, just relaxed happiness...I highly recommend this solution!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The first trip ot the ER!!!

Having a baby boy is like trying to maintain control of a snot-covered eel on a case of RedBull sometimes. And my little bugger is something to behold in this area. He crawls up my hip when I carry him, sticks his butt out and walks up my side, honestly. So, it was a matter of time before we would visit the ER.

Last week (naughty blogger for not posting sooner!), little man who is trying to crawl lunged for the television stand and bashed his tiny face on the bottom of the stand. He cut his face. Now, our son is pretty much ALL cheeks. You've seen this kid, their cheeks are lower than their chin! And because the cut was near his cheek with all that meat, it looked gaping.

I clutched him, put on his coat and rushed to the ER, where they proceeded to make fun of me for coming to the ER for such a suferficial wound. Seriously said, you should maybe talk to your pediatrician about what constitutes an emergency, I mean, he is exposed to more germs here than he is getting treatment for his scratch - well fine! I actually found this whole experience funny and completely first-time mom cliche'd. Made me feel totally normal! YEAH!

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Happy go crazy

I have post partum depression. I have never been depressed a day in my life. I have been so unbelievable lucky with great choices and outcomes my whole life. And now, I have this wonderful baby and am starting to get my footing here, but I have to take medication. It makes me so sad. I know it is chemical, but it is so alarming. I have always been decisive and driven and action oriented, now, I can barely get things crossed off my list, but because of the meds, I am fine with my list not getting done. I cannot wait for this to be over. If you have sadness and despair, get help, it is worth it and nothing to be embarrassed about, even though I am a little embarrassed! This blog is like therapy to me.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

The Scarlet Letter - Ambition

For the first time in my life, I talked my way OUT of a promotion. I have been working so hard for so long lately. However, I have not missed out on anything with the boy. Typically, I get home just after 5...I have a tiny commute! And I finish my job after the little man is in bed. This works for our family.

I had my annual review this past week where my boss told me I was kicking tail, but have to start delegating and start innovating for the company again. I love having this permission. It really makes me feel empowered to get back to what I love doing.

I have been driven my whole life. In the course of this year, I have excelled at work. Our company is driven by revenue and I lead my office to exceed targets. FAR exceed targets. This has led to talk of a promotion for me. When I talked to my boss about this at my review, she was very candid about the role and the promotion and said that it was mine for the taking. Normally, I would have said, yes, please right there on the spot, but I looked at the photo on my desk and said, let me think about it in terms of my current role and getting the most for my career and for the company. My boss was pleased and when I spoke to her the next day, I said, that I am thrilled to have this opportunity to evaluate, however, I have only been in this role for a year and think that I still have more to learn and want to be more prepared for the challenges of the next opportunity. She was pleased, but all I could think about was missing any more time with my son.

It was like an out of body experience. I was just hovering over myself saying, nah, I will pass on this amazing opportunity to get even closer to the goal of running the company because, frankly, I am putting in enough time right now. I can see someday down the road taking that role on, but for now, I am happy to continue to grow in my current job as my son learns to crawl. So when people ask my if having kids changed me, I just smile and say, in more ways than I could have ever known.