Thursday, June 28, 2007

First signs of empathy

This week has been a bear, but, I remembered one of the little gifts from this weekend and it made things seem a lot lighter...

I think little boys are such little cavemen. Boy has taken to crawling around and stealing other baby's toys and then hitting them on the head. The little girls just look so puzzled, but the other little boys look, like, hey, good idea! I am always concerned about Boy growing up spoiled or mean, that was until last weekend. We were taking a GLORIOUS bed-nap together and when he awoke, he raised up on his knees, hands in the air and come smashing down on my eye. Now, this is not too common, usually, the dog is under the smashing and not my eye. And in case you are worried, the dog is 70 pounds of fur and muscle, she will not be destroyed by Boy.

As he raised back up, I got his attention and we looked each other in the eye and I said "OOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!" It was not a shout, it was a loud talking voice. I also made a very pouty face. Immediately, his lip protruded and he began to pout and his eyes welled up. He then dropped him cheek onto my chest while looking at me very sadly as if to say, "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt mommy, I love you, please forgive me, I am clumsy." I hugged him and told him Mommy was ok, and he was forgiven but to be careful. He pouted another minute or two and then we resumed playing. I had no idea a child so young could show that emotion. I am less worried about him being mean, phwew!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Rough couple of days

Work is crazy and home is crazy. Needless to say, I am crazy now, too. No real time to put together a solid post, just know, things are wild right now. I hope to post later this week. Jenny, I will take advantage of your tag probably tomorrow. I have been in meetings on Monday til 8 p.m. and again tonight until 8 p.m. Tuesday I had a meeting at 7:30 a.m. I am quickly becoming convinced someone does not like me right now!

Missing Boy, blogging and figuring things out. More later, I promise!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Now, I am a mom

Just time for a brief update. I actually feel like a mom now. I am so proud of myself and this weekend created lifelong memories for me of Boy and I. I thought I was doing something nice for my hubby by sending him out of town for some man time, when in fact, it was a gift to myself. The gift of time, confidence, experience, love joy, all of it. It was just lovely. Here are the ways it was different than normal:

Working
I can procrastinate tasks
Momming
Life is very time sensitive

Working
Split focus on work and home
Momming
Total focus on Boy

Working
Filled with sound
Momming
Quiet much of the day aside from my own voice!

Working
Unlike a marathon, there is no finish line to many work pressures
Momming
Just like a marathon, just keep moving forward

Needless to say, at least now, I know what I am missing. Thanks for your support in this endeavor. I am sure more thoughts will come to me about the time I spent, but, I have to say, I am actually energized at work today. I needed that! Now, need to look at all my options.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Seriously, I rule!

I totally did it! I was scared that I would not be able to, but I did. I thought maybe I would have a meltdown or buckle under the pressure to entertain, but I stayed at home with no help from anyone and was a mom.

Boy did really well. He was obviously confused as I am much mushier and less hairy that his normal care-taker, but I even flung him in the air, flopped him around on the bed, went for an epic walk with Boy and Dog and even went to Gymboree. I fed him, changed nappies and put him down for two naps. Now, I am sure you veterans at this are like, yeah, so? Well, sure, yeah, so? But I did it. I am not exhausted (yet). I managed to shower, eat all my meals and check email a few times.

I do now see how lonely this job is and that it feels very isolated. Sorry it is like that. Now that I have experienced that, I think I need to come up with a new tool, technology, something to help stay at home parents to keep them from feeling so alone and isolated. I am so impressed with my hubby and everyone that takes this responsibility on. And I am so proud of me and Boy.

Jenny - sorry about your eye, are you ok?!?

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Note: Limited blogs this weekend

Hi awesome readers,

I will be a stay-at-home, single mom starting tonight, therefore, I may or may not have a chance to blog. Check back on Monday for an update, unless I find a moment to capture some thoughts. I am a little nervous and have very low expecatations of what I can get done, but I am sure I will have fun! Possible topics for Monday include:

*Hubby ordered back to work
*Another trip to the emergency room
*WORK RULES!
*I am never leaving Boy again

Happy weekend and be well,

Briefcase Mama

Having it all - the curse of my generation

Driving home from work at 6 p.m. last night, I realized that growing up female in the Title IX era created some profound psychological implications. Our parents were one of the first to try to raise their daughters to believe they can be anything they want to be and in fact, they should go for their dreams and goals with gusto. Girls can be anything, President, a pilot, a doctor, things that were traditionally male before our parents generation. It is a wonderful message. They also are the first parents that had to have both parties at work to make ends meet in most cases. Thus began the myth of "Having it all", in my mind.

Fundamentally, it is crap. You cannot have it all. And if you do, you certaintly don't enjoy it or are only getting 1/2 of everything. Right now, I have an amazing career and an amazing son. However, when I am at work, I really want to be at home and when I am at home, I am worried I didn't get enough done at the office. All the stay at home moms I know wish they went to work sometimes and all the working moms wish they stayed home. It is a myth. Sacrifice is what it means to have it all which is counter intuitive to the concept. And, btw, sacrifice sucks! The concept of having it all makes me feel like I am missing something. It also makes me feel like I don't have to choose and makes me mad when I have to. I think having it all is a damned if you do/damned if you don't thing.

Anyone have any thoughts on this one???

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Being "in the club"

Hubby and I were married for 11 years before boy (BB) and dated for 5 years before that. Needless to say, we were blissfully set in our ways. We don't have more than a handful of good friends. I think the latest tally is actually 6 close friends. We have moved around a lot and learned to rely on each other as partners. We trust each other implicitly, love each other deeply and respect each other completely. It takes a lot of effort to be in our circle, mostly because, well, we really just prefer each other's company.

When Boy was born, we didn't immedately know what to do with him. I mean, he wasn't "in the club". Of course we loved him, he was our child, but, it wasn't that insane goopiness everyone tells you about. It is entirely possibly hubby and I are defective in some way, but it is the truth. We couldn't figure out how this creature was supposed to get in the club.

It turns out, all he needed to do, was allow us the time to get used to another person in the club. He earned his way in with smiles and endearing little quirks, oh and the laughs! Now, I think he is the king of the club. I am finally at that stage in parenthood that looks really cool. I am just smitten with this kid. Glad he's in the club. The club is even better now! Who knew.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Monday, June 18, 2007

My sister is mean

When I was born, my sister really was sad to share the spotlight. We were born 4+ years apart with different fathers. She spent most of her life resenting me and I spend most of mine trying to get my cool older sister to like me. Until I grew up. I saw that she was a selfish malcontent who blamed everyone else for her problems.

I tried hard to help her, gave her advice when she asked and supported her the best I could. Even when she would hit me and lash out. Even when she would mercilessly tease me. Even when she was dating a married man whose wife was pregnant with his third child. Even when she decided to marry said loser TWO WEEKS before my planned wedding. Even when she was mean and cruel. I tried to be there for her and help her. Then, she cut me out of her life. And all I could feel was relief. My parents were so sad, me, I was truly nonplussed. Hubby was thrilled. Then, she did the same thing to my mother.

Now, as I have mentioned in other posts, my mom is no motherhood prize winner, but, she ALWAYS stood by my sister and she was WAY worse to my mother than to me! She made my mother's life impossible when my sister was growing up and blamed my mother for all her problems. My mom was not relieved, she was hurt that she was cut out, but, when that is your kid, what are you to do? The only person my sister has not cut out was her adopted father, my dad.

Yesterday was Father's Day and you know what, the mean, mean girl sent my dad a father's day card. Mom and dad are now so puzzled, poor dad wonders if this is an olive branch. Me, I think it is a waving armed selfish shrew who fears and hates that she is irrelevant. An olive branch would be a MOTHER'S DAY CARD!

These are the sort of things I stay up at night and try to fgure out how I will explain this to Boy...

- End of rant

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Made an interesting connection

Like some moms, I feel like a bad mom sometimes. And sometimes, I cannot shake it no matter what, but the other day, I was visiting my Ob/Gyn and she said, well, "You delivered a baby" and I corrected her and said "no, you delivered him".

See, I had an emergency c-section after 31 hours of labor (neat,huh?). And I think because this happened, it makes me feel inferior, like I couldn't even do what my body is supposed to do. Man, that was quite a moment of realization when I look back on it and now I see, that moment in time has driven many of the emotions about relating to my son as a good or bad mother. Bummer, I know, but simply knowing that it is fundamentally redculous as my doctor pointed out to me not even one second later, seems to be a nice breakthrough for me and Boy.

Happy Father's Day!!!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Being a boss AND a mom

I have to say, I may be a bad boss. I sound like a great boss, but when you think about it, not so much. I give my team lots of freedom and leeway to succeed and fail. I give them unparalelled freedom to do their best every day. If they are finished with work by 3, they can go home. If they need to work from home to be more productive once a week, that is cool, too. I do not meddle in their client relationships.

Basically, I run a fast and loose operation. What is missing for my people is structure and probably leadership. Problem is, I have no energy to lead right now. I am disenchanted with my job and my company. I would like to get jazzed again about my work and rededicate myself to helping my team achieve their goals, but I am just not into it. How bad is that!?!

I came across this post today: Bad boss or whiney employee? and it made me laugh. It also made me sad because the two employees I have trouble with are whiners. These people can be so self involved and cannot see anyone else's perspective. It thoroughly annoys me. In fact, they are the ones who exhaust me. Maybe I should then focus on the ones I can help and grow, and leave the others to their own devises...hmmm...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

MAN DOWN!

I had to go to an insufferable business dinner this week. At the endof the dinner, after the client had left, I was the rude one texting. I was texting with hubby. I get home after a 15 hour day to a completely incapacitated hubby. He had food poisoning (or the flu, we aren't sure)! Needless to say, it was the saddest thing I have seen in a long time. It made me forget all about silly clients and their silly egos, because all I cared about in the whole world was right here in this house.

I was a stay at home mom yesterday and (SAKES ALIVE!!) it is the most tiring job ever. Boy was so confused and not feeling himself either, but I did it. I got up with him, comforted him, took care of him and played with him all day. I put him down for his naps and took him out and about. It was really fun and cool and HARD! Learnings from this episode is: no blog, no shower, no real lunch, but TONS of smiles and sense of accomplishment!

Today, when hubby was feeling better, I lolligagged so much in getting ready for work it was absolute comedy. This post is for all you brave (and lucky in your own way) women who get to stay at home!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Deciding to embrace joy

The past week has been a tough transition from vacation back to work, but I am finally there. I am at heart a REALLY happy person, yes, sarcastic but really find a good deal of joy on a daily basis. Yesterday and today (despite yesterday's post) have been some of the most joyous days of late. I have been really happy. So in love with my husband, so in love with boy. They melt my heart. I even started looking at my home as somewhere I want to stay.

I can say with all honesty that staying in one place has NEVER been something I wanted to do. But, I like where I am right now. I feel content. Also, not a common feeling. Joy - very common. Content - not so much. It is a cool feeling to be satisfied with things. Boy and hubby are so good to me and I think we are finding balance again in our house, our relationship and my humor is back. Live is feeling pretty good!

Monday, June 11, 2007

My in-laws make me bananas

Boy is approaching his first birthday which means an influx of visitors is on the way and that includes my in-laws. I know most people are annoyed by their in-laws, and I am not alone, but, what I am seeking is a better way to manage my annoyance of them.

These are the people who ruined boy' first Christmas, which I was reminded of when I was adding things to his baby book last night and I flipped to the "First Christmas" page and the line that followed, family and people who visited was BLANK! They completely screwed my, boy, hubby and my parents in their behavior on this one.

And then...MIL asks if SHE can make boy's birthday cake. Does she not realize that this would mean, I COULDN'T make the cake for his first birhtday?? She had her chance with her own kids. It is completely disrespectful and thoughtless. Which is why they annoy me. I am going to be addressing this one with my therapist next week, hopefully she will have a strategy for managing them better. They will not change and do not see what they are doing as disrespectful, so, impasse. But, they are involved in my life...ugh! Two weeks of them in my house...I am not sure there is enough wine in the world...

Sunday, June 10, 2007

And then it all comes together

Hubby and I went on a much needed date last night. Since we have no family nearby, we use a nanny service. They sent this adorable granny-type over. She was precious. It was shocking that boy reached right for her pretty quickly. We went out and had dinner, looked at some artwork and returned home. It was so nice to return home to hear the nanny gush about our child and about our parenting. She was floored we still rock him to sleep and she really gave us kudos on how well we are doing with this little angel. It was so validating.

Today, he was an angel. I think it was because we blew off a little steam, but I had a renewed love and commitment for motherhood. It is hard sometimes to realize you need a break. You think you have to do it all, alone, but you know, that isn't good for anyone. It was so precious to realize how wonderful it is to watch your child grow up and learn new things. And by just going out for 4 hours, I feel so renewed.

Hubby and I repeatedly promise that we will take more time for our couplehood, with limited success. I think this was exactly the date that will make us live up to this. Someday, my parents will move nearby and I know that will be an amazing blessing. But until then, nannies, it is!

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Top Five Reasons Babies are Born Cute

5. So we don't mind all the lost sleep
4. Easier to overlook the poopy diapers
3. Survival mechanism
2. Cherubic face wipes away the memory of a screaming fit
1. What other reason is there to endure being vomited on?

Friday, June 8, 2007

Flexibilty and annoying people

I am working from home today - YEAH. I actually do work when I am here, just in my jammies with frequent interruptions from boy. Working from home and the flexibilty I have at work is the only reason I am still there. I am fearful of what another company may make me endure from a time standpoint.

Last night I was annoyed by work again. These doofuses amaze me at every turn. We have a customer who does not like one aspect of our offering and they consistently tell us this. I proposed a solution that would make us alter our structure in order to get a MILLION DOLLARS more in business. I was shot down and told that the aspect they complain about isn't really the problem, they are just wrong - LOL...So, net out at "the customer is always wrong"

Oh well, back to the salt mines princess!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Learning to lighten up

Last night hubby went out and had a little fun with a friend. This is odd for us as we have no friends outside the marriage. This is due tot he fact that we have been known each other for nearly half of our lives. We have no problems being each other's best friend. That being said, we are learning that there is no consistent opportunities to go out together, so, we need to go out with others to get back to regular life.

SOOOO, all that said, hubby went out last night. Of course when he left, I was nearly giddy with excitement to lay on the couch and watch a really silly movie. One that he would just not enjoy. I settle in and POOF, boy is awake. OK, I think, this is a snuggly opportunity to go lay in our bed and watch sometime even more mind numbing - reality TV.

As I laid there, I was thinking, he should be learning to sleep in his own bed and not be lulled by me. So, I tried to put him to bed - well, that was a HUGE mistake. The happy baby from our bed turned into a monster baby - wailing and crying and screaming. It was so frustrating. All because I wanted him to fall asleep in his bed. Power struggle erupts and I end up in tears gathering my composure outside.

I go back in, try to get him back in his bed, then I realize, what's the point?!?! I am forcing this false "should" on a small child. Who cares?!?! He is going through some separation anxiety and so what if he cannot fall asleep in his own bed now. I worry about spoiling him, but seriously, how can this be spoiling him. Nobody ever said my parents loved me too much or tried to make me too happy. Especially around falling asleep. It is just silly.

Lesson for the day - lighten up. Boy will not develop horrendous sleep patterns or attachment issues by comforting him to sleep, quite the opposite I bet! I am amazed how much I learn about myself in this process. I guess I am pretty rigid. I always thought I was laid back. Not so much, huh?

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Missing out

All my life I have been driven to climb the corporate ladder and FAST. I managed to achieve my goal of becoming a Vice President by my 35th birthday. Last week, while I was out on vacaton and my job had been really grinding me, I realized, I am not sure I want to be on this hampster wheel while boy is growing up. I want to be home more. I want to be available more, but at the same time, I don't want to screw up my career path for when boy goes to school. And then I think, my career is no longer my priority. I could care less is I am a Regional VP or Senior VP in the next 5 years. The cost of that would be too high for what percieve as a small reward. Iw ould miss too much and gain too little. I just want to be a good mom and spend as much time with boy as I can. I don't really want a new job, I want a smaller job.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Back to smiles

Boy is back to all smiles. I guess he has forgiven me. My counsellor said yesterday was not as bad as I thought. I just need to learn when my fuse is getting short and to go take a walk. I am SURE she is right. I guess all of us new moms feel challenged by crying babies...

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Return from vacation to some VERY old feelings

Vacation was the best in a long while. So restful, relaxing. I actually had a few days where I felt really at ease being a mom. Caring for him, playing with him, calming him, feeling him, reading his cues, doing great.

Get home, major meltdown. See, the baby really brings things out of me that I had no idea were there. I had a challenging relationship with my mom. She is a selfish woman and not much of a mom, she readily admits it which at this point in life is actually endearing, growing up...not so much. Luckily, dad RULED! He was a spectacular father and made up for mom in many ways.

For the past 2-3 days boy has not been sleeping, having problems eating and having what seems like REAL separation anxiety. He is growing what appears to be 4 new teeth, all at once. Needless to say, he has been a nightmare to manage. Sobbing to be picked up, when you pick him up, he squirms to get down. Try to feed him, nope he will spend most of the feeding trying to wriggle away and then start sobbing. It is so un-nerving to watch, let along try to help.

Needless to say, I lost it, I turned into my mom. I was mean and thoughtless. I wanted to run away and get out of this life. It was too much. I felt so alone and unsupported and like I was the last care of anyone in my house. It was just hideous. Fortunately, I did not take any aggression out on this little creature, but, was cruel in word.

Now, I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel so sorry for being verbally cruel to my son and that my husband is unable to help in these situations. I recognize he does want to help, but he can't and most of the time, he is helping too late. He is not recognizing the signs I am struggling and intervening earlier. Once I calmed down and apologized to boy (who hopefully will have no recollection of this day and won't be scarred for life), I talked to hubby about intervening earlier and about sharing more of his challenges. I think it will make me feel less like a bad mom and more attuned to my partner.

I promise to everyone who reads this and most importantly to my boy, this will NEVER happen again. Makes me so sad to be out of control and upset with this little helpless man when I am supposed to be the one to help him. I feel so disappointed for him. Hope tomorrow gets better. Bad mommy!