Solving problems after 17 years

In case none of you have noticed, I am not very satisfied with my current situation. In fact, it is making me bananas. I am satisfactionally challenged, always have been probably always will be. But, now, my son is one year old and I was too stupid to embrace that first year and too bust to really enjoy it. This makes me madder than putting on a skirt that is too tight.

Hubby and I have been together for nearly 17 years. We have seen the very best, faced the biggest challenges, make critical decisions throughout our lives together. We have been through a lot and had fun with it at every turn. So, the time is upon us to determine our next move because the current situation is simply unacceptable. I do not enjoy my job, our city is chronically overpriced and we have pretty much no friends and our families are more than 2,000 miles away (YEAH for some, BOOO for others).

Like any good married couple, we took a bottle of wine, a pad of paper and a pen and mapped out what ideal looks like. Then, we mapped out how we are going to get there. I love when there is a plan. It makes me feel much calmer and more secure. It even cures most hangovers!

They've gone!

Holy Moses, my in-laws have gone. How do people become so self-absorbed with their own BS they are incapable of listening. Any ideas??

Love this guy

This is one of the best written blog posts I have ever read. He is so right, it is so true and honest. Thanks Dad Gone Mad!

Not a baby anymore

It dawned on me this morning, I don't have a baby anymore. He is a toddler. I can say with all honesty that babyhood was the most difficult endeavor I have ever embarked upon. And now that it is over, I am so sad that I didn't take the time to enjoy it more. I sure hope I do better in toddler-hood. I already miss my baby!

Turning one

Boy turned one recently and without a doubt, I love one! He is just such a sweet kid. He loves to play and rumpus. He loves people and I love him. He is going through a mommy thing right now that is sweet as all get out. Just when I needed it too! Off on a short (48-hour) vacation with hubby next week. One rocks!

Failing publicly

Having my in-laws here has made my life miserable. Their constant (unsolicited) advice, their judgments and their constant ego inflation feels like a daily reminder of what a failure I am as a mom. As a working mom, I have one job each day, put Boy to bed. Since they have been here, I have failed every night. Normally, I fail in private and succeed in the same way. If Boy gives me fits, I can let him cry a minute in his crib and then go try again. When I do this now, I get very disapproving looks and grins of pity.

Last night, after failing and having to hand over Boy so I could run to get birthday presents, I got to hear what an easy time they had and how easy it was with just giving him his blanky, as if I hadn't tried this for an hour...So, now, I am on my own and have to struggle through bedtime without walking away from the baby.

Because they are all staying here it feels like the walls are closing in on me and my failure. Then hubby, thinking he is being helpful comes to hover and pat my leg and eventually take over my job that I so obviously cannot do. He is, of course, successful while I hide in the corner of my bedroom, the only placed I can go. There is no way out of this nightmare...

Jenny, my best to your family and Harrison!!!

Know when to hold em...

Know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run...

So, I am sitting on a conference call with people who are wildly uneducated about the issues at hand when it hits me. I shouldn't work at a place where I am neither heard nor respected.

Just a thought for today.

Adventures in the Perfect Gift

Hubby and I decided a few weeks back what we were going to get Boy for his big day. Come to find out, this toy is a little tough to find. We went to two toy stores and then started to calling. Finally we found it! Hubby is off to get one of the last five remaining in our area. Now I know what it is going to be like over Christmas is a few years. This absolutely tickles me as Boy has no idea this day is special and why he is getting prizes and for that matter what all these people are doing in his house messing up his sleep schedule.

Things I hope I always do for Boy

Focus on and make him feel good at what he does well
Help him understand his place in the world
Help him feel safe and loved in a judgment free house
Never use guilt as a tool
Teach him how to be kind

Rare Sunday post

Just so you know if my posts are a bit vitriolic the next few weeks it is because my in-laws are here.

The arrived late last week and were the most amazing people for a whole 36 hours. They were all just angels. So cooperative, helpful, mindful of the baby and his needs. Their plane was delayed and they arrived very late. They came into th house so quiet I didn't even notice them and were so loving to boy the next say, hubby and I were incredibly encouraged! Over the last 24 hours, they have slid back into their old habits. Here is a highlight:

MIL is asked to watch baby as hubby and I eat dinner. MILs Mom (Hubby's Grandma) asks MIL to make her a sandwich. So MIL starts to comply. Hubby reminds MIL that she is on Boy duty and MIL asks FIL to fill in. He declines in a pseudo-polite way to help and MIL proceeds with the sandwich making. Meanwhile, Boy is about to open a kitchen drawer, slamming either his face or arm in it. Hubby yells to get MILs attention who them blames FIL. And Boy is still about to crack himself in two. MIL finally picks him up and delivers to FIL who proceeds to make a few gurle noises to get Boy's attention, when he fails, he resumes reading the newspaper and Boy is back in the kitchen...I love when people have insanely bad priorities. Granny can either WAIT until we are done OR...MAKE HER OWN SANDWICH.

Needless to say, I have three additional children in my house. Stay tuned for more tidbits of insanity, like, FIL complaining that our neighborhood is not very nice. And Granny complaining about all the stairs in the house. Side note, these will be the reasons we give why they can't stay with us anymore. Our neighborhood is not nice enough and our home it far too dangerous. ARGH!

Good lord, people

Flying is a pain in the arse. Getting to the gate is a painful exercise in insanity and bureaucracy. I absolutely abhor the TSA. It is an example of how dysfunctional our government is. Each place has different security measures, which is what I thought the TSA was supposed to bring...um, no.

And then, there are the flight attendants, gate agents and crews. Most of the time, they completely rule in the face of pompous, entitled passengers. (BTW, who are you people who just sit in any old seat?!?! That is MY SEAT!!)And then, they can suck beyond all recognition of humanity.

I have flown hundreds of thousands of miles in every class available. Crying, wailing babies, toddlers who kick seats with a raucous fury are part of the deal sometimes. But, seriously a toddler chattering is no cause to boot someone off a flight. Shame on you, you are rediculous! Sorry you had a bad day, but honestly, lighten up! And to say that a mom should drug her child and control a 19-month-old is fundamentally absurd. And then to say you were threatened, what an abuse of fear!I hope that attendant is at last reprimanded, if not asked to leave. Harsh, yes, but stranding a mom and toddler in a strange city because you ran out of patience, THAT'S harsh!

Pulling the trigger

I have been pretty unhappy lately and after much thought, I am unhappy with myself. I don't like how I look and I feel it is impacting my marriage, family and work. I am lacking confidence and feeling very beaten down and up. I realized that I am the one beating myself up and only I can take ownership and control of the situation. I can continue to make excuses, or I can make changes.

Being an older mom, I know myself pretty well. I know what works for me and what does not. I know that I am going to piss and moan about not getting back into shape until I weigh 300 pounds. I cannot do that. I cannot set that example for my son and I know my husband misses my hot body from college! Hell, I miss my hot body from college, why wouldn't he!

Knowing myself the way I do, I know I will not just start going at this stage in my life. I also know what motivates me or better yet, what WILL get me out the door. I know that it is costs me money, I will do it. I also know if someone is pushing me out the door, or that I have committed to someone else I will go, I may whine about it, but I ultimately will go.

Therefore, I am going to hire a personal trainer to come get me 4 times a week from my office or house and work my ass out for an hour. I will pay them handsomely for 8 weeks. In addition, for every pound I lose, the trainer will get a bonus! I am confident this will work for me. Since it is money going out, I will take it seriously. And, since someone is putting time on my calendar, I will be forced to comply. If a trainer comes to my house at 7 a.m. to go run or lift or whatever, I will do it and they can lead me. I know how to eat properly and I can and will do that, it is the boost I need. I figure 8-10 weeks of this will get me started. I have 30 pounds to lose...ready, set, go!

Bunk!

I try and try to get started on an exercise program (meaning, going for a 3-mile run 4-5 times a week) and without doubt, I fail at every turn. I go for walks each day with the family, but it isn't a run. I want to drop these pesky 25 pounds, but I am unable to leave my buddy to go run. I can't get up early because, well, I hate getting up early. It is a Catch-22. I just need to commit. I need to find the 35 minutes I need each day to dedicate to myself. I know it is the right thing to do, but, when I get home, Boy is so excited to see me, I just can't leave! Maybe during the day...I would love suggestions on how any of you find the time?!?!

Wishing for change

It has been almost a year since I met Boy. He had changed so dramatically. I look at pictures and see a little boy emerging over the past months. What I wish I saw was a change in me. I am still pudgy, I am still tired. I am still not getting real time with my husband. I am starting to becoming annoyed and negative. I want time and energy and patience to talk about my annoyances, but it is so hard to communicate these days. Either way, I have a stunning little man who brings a good deal of joy, at least that is something right?

Open Letter

Dear iVillage,

As Boy approaches his first birthday, I would like to take a moment to reflect and recognize you, the readership and posting community for saving my life and sanity. I fell prey to post partem depression, I was hopelessly and (now not hopelessly, but still) clueless about being a mother and babies. I didnt know what I was doing at all and if the odd things I perceived my child to be doing were in fact normal. You all collectively saved me from making rash decisions, jumping to conclusions and maintaining a semblance of calm. Thank you a thousand times for existing. Now, I should probably go and click on some ads and buy products from your advertisers so you can continue to make money and exist for the next mom who needs you.

My very best,

Working Mom

Dating your friends

Hubby and I have been trying very hard to get a semblance of normalcy in our lives with our new child, even though he is nearly one, it is still pretty new. Anyway, I met a mom and asked her out on a date. We went out for dinner last night.

We had the best time. It is so crazy to meet people and then date them, but you have to. We talked all about our previous lives, how a meal in an adult restaurant is the most decadent thing in the world and how despite how everyone else sees us, we feel like terrible moms and wonder why we are doing this immediately followed by a delicious story of how our babies made our day. It was so very validating to sit with someone from a similar background and talk about the joys and the horrors of baby/toddlers. How shocking it was, all the different things that shaped our outlooks and attitudes and at the end of the day, we are all going through the same thing, only no one talks about it. What a shame.

We all need to speak up. Having a baby/toddler is impossible, sometimes it totally sucks, sometimes it is the greatest thing ever, and other times, you are too tired to discern from the two. Either way, go ask out another mom for dinner, leave your Child with Hubby and go commune, it is really wonderful.

Getting my way

One of my favorite things in life, beyond Hubby and Boy is getting my way. I simply feel it is sublime and when I don't get my way particularly when it is a grand idea, oooohhhhh, it makes me mad. I love THOUSANDS of miles away from my parents. And I love them, they love all of us so much so that they are going to uproot their lives and move out here. Problem is, they cannot manage to find a buyer for their home. The home has been on the market for nearly 9 months. It is priced competitively, problem is, they live in one of the tough markets. It sucks. They are so sad and I am so sad. They are missing things they want to be involved in.

Hubby and I do well. We have saved our whole lives and can afford a lovely home and a good amount of spending cash. I recently got a nice raise at work for my efforts and we were thinking, why shouldn't we invest in a condo in our market and offer it to our parents while their home sells. We love this idea. It is monthly investing, it gets them out here and when they do sell their home, they will have a base of operations and to top it all off, when they leave the condo, HUBBY'S parents can stay in the condo when they visit! Everyone wins. I love this idea. It is brilliant.

So, I present this to my parents who say, "well, we don't think so." In my mind, this is just plain stubborn and silly. I wish they would tell me why not with an answer that makes sense. They won't meanwhile, it is driving me crazy...I feel like Boy..."I WANT MY DADDY!!!!"

I think we are going to buy the condo anyway, it is a good investment in our market and I think we can get it leased. Seriously, doing things my way work out, promise!

I'm cured

This blog was set up as a way to manage my post partem depression. It is a place for me to talk about my feelings and experiences and share with anyone who would be interested to read about the challenges of motherhood. It is a hard gig and for me, it was bordering on impossible at times. Now, I am managng much better. I am happy again. The glass is half full again and I have a renewed confidence in my abilities as a mother. I was afraid of motherhood. Because this fear was so pervasive, I avoided having children for years, chosing instead to live the DINK lifestyle to the n-th degree.

Obviously, I grew up and realized that I would like to try to have a child and experience life's wonders all over again. The fear never subsided, yet the desire for a child outweighed the fear. That fear created a disasterous first year as a mom. I know it sounds dramatic, but, the first year with your child should be filled with joy, joy joy not fear, tears and anti-depressants.

All this being said, on Monday, I went for my semi monthly visits with my psychologist. We talked about my confidence and the weekend as a single sahm and how powerful I felt and that I feel like a mom now. She said we should reduce our visits to once a month...WOW! I guess I am cured. I do feel better, but it was really cool to be validated by this person.

I do expect to continue blogging even though I am feeling much better. Thanks for riding along through this phase of the journey. On to bigger and better things. If this post were the end of a movie, the credits would roll with the Kinks song Better Things. If you don't know it...go listen to it...it rules!

Look for the following upcoming posts:
My recent job interview
My direct reports are a bunch of whiny bitches
Dating your new friends
Why do I ever let people stay at my house?

Finally, my house will be full of people (family) in one week, pray for us all!

What a week!

So sorry for the lack of blogs. It sucks when you check someone's blog each day and there is nothing new. I hate that too, which is why sometimes, I write a number of posts in advance for weeks like I had last week, but alas, I did not this time. So, here is a recap of my week, highs, lows and everywhere in between.

Highs
Boy danced for the first time, man, that was unbelievably cute
Boy also mastered waving hello and bye bye, also stupid cute
Finished a big home project and now we will have more time on our hands
Had a great date, saw a movie (oh do I love that George Clooney!)
Went to a dog park early in the morning with the family. Good times!
Got a client who was not happy to be happy and got to be creative in the process
Had a few headhunter calls, one of which will lead to an interview tomorrow. Listening is always a good idea in my shoes.
Got a complement from the meanest client I have ever worked with

Lows
Miserable melt down on Tuesday, cried and cried and cried and made my hubby feel just terrible.
Had a tough time getting boy to sleep one night
Had to put in two 12+ hour days this week and one 10+ hour day
Listened to whiney employees compllain about their cushy, high paying jobs - WAH!
Was unable to get cracking on the exercise
Said meanest client ever cut their spend in half, completely screwing up our quarterly forecast which will lead to an angry call from leadership next week

In between
Looking back this week was comprised of moments of greatness and despair. I am not a big fan of that type of week, I am hoping this week with bring more time for family and blogging.

This week should be interesting. I have a few dates with girlfriends( I know, I am making some!), a job interview (for which I sorely need to stop blogging and prepare for!), and a holiday weekend. This week should be much better!