Sunday, June 3, 2007

Return from vacation to some VERY old feelings

Vacation was the best in a long while. So restful, relaxing. I actually had a few days where I felt really at ease being a mom. Caring for him, playing with him, calming him, feeling him, reading his cues, doing great.

Get home, major meltdown. See, the baby really brings things out of me that I had no idea were there. I had a challenging relationship with my mom. She is a selfish woman and not much of a mom, she readily admits it which at this point in life is actually endearing, growing up...not so much. Luckily, dad RULED! He was a spectacular father and made up for mom in many ways.

For the past 2-3 days boy has not been sleeping, having problems eating and having what seems like REAL separation anxiety. He is growing what appears to be 4 new teeth, all at once. Needless to say, he has been a nightmare to manage. Sobbing to be picked up, when you pick him up, he squirms to get down. Try to feed him, nope he will spend most of the feeding trying to wriggle away and then start sobbing. It is so un-nerving to watch, let along try to help.

Needless to say, I lost it, I turned into my mom. I was mean and thoughtless. I wanted to run away and get out of this life. It was too much. I felt so alone and unsupported and like I was the last care of anyone in my house. It was just hideous. Fortunately, I did not take any aggression out on this little creature, but, was cruel in word.

Now, I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel so sorry for being verbally cruel to my son and that my husband is unable to help in these situations. I recognize he does want to help, but he can't and most of the time, he is helping too late. He is not recognizing the signs I am struggling and intervening earlier. Once I calmed down and apologized to boy (who hopefully will have no recollection of this day and won't be scarred for life), I talked to hubby about intervening earlier and about sharing more of his challenges. I think it will make me feel less like a bad mom and more attuned to my partner.

I promise to everyone who reads this and most importantly to my boy, this will NEVER happen again. Makes me so sad to be out of control and upset with this little helpless man when I am supposed to be the one to help him. I feel so disappointed for him. Hope tomorrow gets better. Bad mommy!


serket said...

It sounds like a key difference between you and your mother, was your ability to recognize that something that was wrong and now you are striving to change it. I think it is good that you discussed this with your husband and were able to come up with a plan for the future.

Working Mom said...

You are so sweet - it is just so challenging and you just want to be a rockstar mom and love every minute of it, which I know is not realistic.